I Had A "Whitney Houston" Moment

DESIREE!!!....It's true, I don't know what else to call it. This story is short but it's been bothering me for weeks.  Most people know that I have a Sleep Obsession.  I talk about it in my memoir.  I'm embarrassed to say what it takes for me to go to sleep.  Let's just say I don't know how it is to go to sleep without pills.  I suffer with a Bi Polar disorder.  As I've gotten older it has taken more and more to put me to sleep.  Right now I take 500mg of Seroquel, 10mg of Ambien, 1mg of Xanax and 80mg of Geoddon all in one big gulp with water.  Normally this and my daily exercise is good enough to put me to sleep.  Well, the another night it was not... What happened is I had taken my nighttime meds at around 11:00pm.   I had over-exercised and my legs just wouldn't calm down.  I guess that's what they call restless leg syndrome.  By 2:00am I was so damn aggravated that I kept getting up and down but I couldn't relax enough to go to sleep.  So what I did was I took another 1mg of Xanax and downed a glass of wine.  WHAT?... Oh, it gets worst, I decided to fill my bath tub with hot water and bubbles.  I jumped into the tub and leaned my head back.  The next thing I know is I nodded off and I started slowly sinking under the water.  I don't know what woke me up.  OMG is RIGHT!!!  I Had A "Whitney Houston" Moment.  Thank God I have some kind of guardian angel that's looking out for my dumbass self.  I could have easily been a goner.  The End~

POETRY AND POLITICS

I don't think I understand either one.  Let me first talk about Poetry.  Now that I'm older I have to say I understand poems better.  I remember when I was in highschool, there was this English teacher who loved Poetry.  When she would read a poem out loud  to the class her eyes would flutter and role back.  She would say, "Listen to these words, aren't they beautiful?"...I can't remember any one particular poem, I just remember thinking to myself, "I don't know what the hell this poem means."  What made me think about poems was.... I watched a documentary on Stevie Nicks.  The way she wrote songs was to grab her book on poetry and then add music and melody.  Of course Stevie Nicks is not the only person that uses poetry to write a song.  I guess songs can be lumped into 2 groups.  Songs that tell a story or Songs with a bunch of words that don't make sense.  Ain't that right BEATLES?  Come Together "He bag production, he got walrus gumboot, He got ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker." .... How about I Am The Walrus "I am the eggman, They are the eggmen, I am the Walrus Goo goo g' joob"....Getting back to Stevie Nicks, probably my favorite song is On The Edge Of Seventeen... I catch myself riding in the car with the windows down, sunroof open singing, "Just like the white winged dove, sings a song, sounds like she singing ooo, ooo, ooo".....Then when it gets to the part that says, "He was no more than a baby then".... I stop singing, I think to myself, "Is Stevie taking about a 16 year old boy?"... Then I change the channel on the radio.  Now onto Politics.  Let me just say I can't make a sentence using the words Bi Partisan or Filabuster.  I also wasn't into politics until my 40's and my voting record is shoddy.  Let's leave it at that.  The End~

I Wore White To A Wedding That Wasn't Mine~SAY IT ISN'T SO!

I was 23 or 24 years old, not much money, and my mom wasn't around to teach me such lessons.  The year when I was 23 or 24, I was invited to a lot of weddings.  So one day I asked my soon to be sister-in-law if I could borrow some of her dresses.  I was single at the time making good money but somehow I thought I didn't have money on account of how I was raised.  My dad was a tightwad, I literally owned 3 shirts and 2 pair of pants that were wearable.  The rest of my clothes were hand me downs from Aunt Maude.  Get the picture?  I had 4 back to back weddings in one month.  My soon to be sister-in-law gave me 4 dresses one of them being white.  As I was heading to the 4th wedding I kept thinking to myself, "I don't think I should be wearing white but it's too late to get another dress for this out of town wedding, it's just too late I'm stuck." I  was getting out of my car, when my face went flush.  That's when it hit me that I should have worn black underwear ONLY before wearing white when you are not the bride.  I sat in middle of the wedding with  all eyes on me and my white dress.  OMG I never felt so humiliated in my life.   I should have ditched the reception but I was too stupid to do even that,  besides my fiancée was in the wedding party.  I bet you thought it couldn't get worse?...... And it did.  There was me in a flouncy 1980's  white party dress and my 1980's permed and teased hair.  I walked around that reception with my head down and my eyes cast to the ground in full shame.  If I had to do it over I would have stayed in the bathroom until it was over.  Live and Learn until you are too old to give a shit about humiliation.  The end~

A 6'5" Black Guy Came On To Me At The Gym!

Boy was I flattered today.  As I was leaving the gym this tall black guy started making small talk and held the door for me as I was walking out.  I don't know if he was feeling sorry for me because I'm the only middle-aged white women working out so hard at the gym or he was just nice.  I'm fucking killing myself if you want to know the truth. Maybe he was watching me the whole time. People hop on and off a treadmill after a 20 minute run and there's me still fucking walking and walking and. walking ...50 minutes today on a 5 level incline.   And that is after I did the elliptical for 30 minutes.  I didn't look the black guy in the eye, I kinda looked down because my make-up was long gone with some small traces of smeared mascara on my face.  I wear a head band around my head like it was the 80's and I do that because it helps catch some of the sweat.  Walking to my car I shouted out to the black dude that I was Bi Polar and that Psych Meds made me Fat and I have No Thyroid.  I wanted him to know I didn't have a problem with food because I would never want to be known as a Foodie.  The End~

My F@#king Running Shoes!

My mood is pissy today all because of my f@#king running shoes.  Let me first say that I walk and do not run.  I try to walk 3 God Damn Miles 5 days a week.  I call them God Damn Miles because when you are walking on a treadmill to nowhere for an hour it's pretty much God Damn Miles.  I had the prettiest black running shoes with turquoise soles and turquoise shoelaces.  I LOVED THEM!.. I happened to look inside my shoe and noticed plastic showing.  On the outside of my shoe they looked almost new, but I had to get a new pair because of the inside.  Let me second say I hate to shop!....I am an impulse buyer, you will never catch me going to a store to browse...NEVER!!!...My whole day revolves around my getting my walk in for the day.  So when I have to run errands, my stress level goes up.  It's the same when I go grocery shopping, another thing I HATE!.. I walk very fast and I push my shopping cart with a vengeance.  I run into people all the time, under my breath I say, "get out of my f@#king way you slow motherf@#ker" (I really do need to get on an anti depressant).  Getting back to the running shoes.  I drive over to Shoe Carnival.  Right when I walked in the sales associate (You will never see that at BEST BUY) said, "Can I help you?"... He looks down at my shoes and says he has the exact shoe on sale.  I was excited for about a minute when I realized they didn't have my size.  Well they had one pair of shoes my size still in stock, but locating them was impossible.  I scanned the sale rack and see a pair of black running shoes with white soles and white shoe laces, "I thought, "these will do" and I purchase them IMPULSIVELY.  I get home throw my old shoes in the trash, alone with the receipt and box of my new shoes right before the garbage man came. (Lucky Me)... Later that day I head to the gym with my new running shoes. I started my God Damn Walk and noticed my toes on the left foot starting hurting.  I thought I will just have to break them in and continued to walk.  OMG, 10 minutes into my walk the toes of my left foot where hurting bad. It felt like I had broken 3 toes.   I had to leave the gym, pissing away my walk day and thinking why would my left foot hurt and not the right.  Second Day I decided to put band-aids on my toes and continued to walk.  OMG 10 minutes into my walk the toes of my left foot where hurting again. I thought, "I'm F@#ked, I threw away the box and the receipt, $35.00 bucks down the drain!".  I get into my car and sped out of my neighborhood onto the interstate until I got to another shoe store. No parking spaces..."OMG OMG OMG, My Day Is Ruined, My Day Is Ruined, My Day Is Ruined, I'm a Psycho, I'm a Psycho, I'm a Psycho"....I finally find a place to park, I run inside, look for black shoes, find black shoes with pink soles and pink shoelaces and purchase them for $60.00 bucks.  I asked the sales clerk what was the return policy. She said I had 3 months to return them as long as they WERE NOT WORN.  I thought to myself, "How am I gunna know if the running shoe fit good unless I WEAR THEM.  I won't know until tomorrow if my new running shoes work out.  Moral of the Story... If you weree me, kill yourself now and get over with it or GET ON A GOD DAMN ANTIDEPRESSANT, Oh, and Maybe try your running shoes on FIRST.  The End~

75 % Of The World's Population MIght Be Mildy Retarded!

I was at the library today and the librarian that was helping was was was, I don't know, maybe Mildy Retarded?...Her shirt read, "I GEEK POETRY", I think she should have had a shirt that read, "I GEEK ZERO PERSONALITY"..... She looked like she was in her mid 30's, short hair, over weight, unkempt.  She mumbled when she talked.  I could barely understand her.  It seems I had a $30.00 fine, one book out and one magazine out.  I tried to explain to her I simply lost the book but I was pretty sure I turned in the magazine.  She kept grilling me about the book.   She said something like I couldn't get a new card until I paid the fine but they would look for the magazine then she gave me a new card which was my old card but I couldn't get a new card until I returned the book and magazine or paid the fine.  Did that make sense?.... You see what I mean?....She didn't make sense to me either.  "Mildly Retarded" popped into my head.  I am more like my dad than I care to admit.  First of all I like to call him Felix Unger because he reminds me so much of him.  My dad is a neat freak, obsessed about the cleanliness of his house, his yard, his car, his shoes, all hell, he's even obsessed about his appearance.  When I talk to my dad it's never simple conversations.  We don't talk about the weather, food, sports, hobbies, music,  or anything common.  We mainly talk about death, the after life, religion, jobs, careers, politics, and money. Wait a minute that doesn't sound right.  Just know that our conversations are seldom light. All my life I've always known my dad to judge people.  If you talked slow, moved slow, wobbled, looked down, stuttered, janky looking (that word just makes me laugh), you were labled, "Mildy Retarded".... My librarian was most of the above.  Over the years I have heard my dad say, he or she is "My God!!!, Mildy Retarded Poor Thing" that I know think 75% of the world's population might be.............................. Mildy Retarded.

I Was Walking Like I Had A Wet Virginia Slim Between My Legs, If You Know What I'm Sayin...

So I'm at the beach this week and decided to walk the beach for my usual exercise.  Back home I walk for one hour on a treadmill and then stop, not because I'm tired, but I'm bored out my damn mind.  I can walk for miles on a beach and never get tired or bored.  I love the sound of the ocean, I love to look for sea shells, seagulls, and of course it's always fun to people watch.  The weather was overcast so I decided to wear a flowing maxi dress and start my walk at the edge of the beach.  I started left of my condo and walked for a good hour, trying to decide when to turn back.  I wasn't tired or bored after the hour, but I said to myself, "well one hour walking to a distant condo, then one hour to walk back to my condo was good enough for the day."  As I was turning back I felt my the third degree burns between my thighs.  Let you in on a little fact about myself.  I have huge thunder thighs, bigger than Brittney Spears & Beyonce' ....Okay a lot bigger, but I'm Old.  God blessed me with small ankles and small wrist.  Ray Charles would be puzzled.   Getting back to my third degree burns on my inner thighs.   Okay, Okay, Okay, there were chafed.  OMG the inside of my thighs hurt like a motherf@#ker!   Here I am 3 miles away from my condo with no phone, no nothing.  It's not like I could have called my daughters and say, "Girls come pick up your Moma, I walked 3 miles to the left of our condo, the inside of my thighs are chafed, on fire, and I can't get back to our condo." How am I going to get back?", I said to myself.  I started my walk.  Let's just say I was walking wide.  I would stop every 10 minutes and splash ocean water between my legs.  I bet I looked Real Classy doing that.   I would say I was walking like a duck or a penguin, but I'm pretty sure those animals don't have a wide gait when they walk.  The thing that popped into my head was, "I Was Walking Like I Had A Wet Virginia Slim Between My Legs, If You Know What I'm Sayin..."   Well I made it back to my condo, close to tears, highly embarrassed, and swore to myself that I was going on a diet. Don't worry, 10,000 inner thigh lifts are also on my list too.  From My Beaches (Bitches) To Yours.... The End~