The Birds & The Birds!

This story is to be added to my last blog~Hooray, My Prom Date Was Gay!...... I really never heard the story~~"The Birds & The Bees"~~  I just assumed the Bird represented a Male.  The first time I heard "The Facts Of Life" was on a School Bus when I was in 3rd grade.  This big girl who smelled of egg salad and looked like she might be the daughter of Nanny McPhee explained the entire story in detail using really foul laungage.  Hooray for Public Schools!....Fastforward 8 years I am attending a community college the summer before my senior year of highschool.  I wasn't smart or anything, but my dad "Felix Unger" who's facial features really look like a cross between Dan Rather & Mike Wallace.  I call him "Felix Unger" because he's a neat freak like Felix(The Odd Couple) and it just plain makes me laugh. Well "Felix Unger" hated the word RELAXTION and forced us kids to spend our summers in Trade School, Working, or Taking College courses.  I did all three. When I was at community college that summer of my junior year there was this guy, I like to call Captain Dapper Dan.  This was the summer of 1980.  Captain Dapper Dan was only 20 attending this community college, but he looked like he was 40.  He would wear a navy blue blazer, a pink shirt, white pants and white shoes.  He always looked like he just stepped off his Yacht.  He kept asking me for a date that entire summer.  I finally said yes because I didn't know what else to do, and I just hate to hurt people's feelings.  Well Captain Dapper Dan comes to my house driving a sports car.  He brings me a dozen long stemmed red roses.  He opens the car door.  He takes me to a nice restaurant and dancing.  Captain Dapper Dan returns me home safely by 11:00pm.  The next day a dozen peach SILK roses in a brass vase is delivered to my house.  "Felix Unger" can't understand why I refused to go on another date with Captain Dapper Dan.  I said, "Felix, he's Gay".  "Felix says, "that's good because with that kinda of exhuburance for life, he will go far".  I honestly don't think "Felix" knew what Gay meant. Let me rephrase that, he and his generation and like generations before, all knew, but so repressed the idea, that they thought they could just WILL it away.  "Out of sight, Out of mind" kinda thing. "Sweep iIt Under The Rug" I always say.   I finally said, "Dad, this situtation will never be about the "Birds & The Bees.... It will only be about The Birds & The Birds"... The End

Hooray, My Prom Date Was Gay!

It's my 3rd daughters' Prom tonight.  Which got me thinking about my own Prom.  My daughter's dress cost $450.00 with a $30.00 dollar alteration bill.  I made my Prom dress for $15.00 Bucks.  My daughter went to a nail salon.  I was banging nails into an old shed as part of my chores that day.  Her boyfriend is So Sweet, Kind, Caring, Thoughtful, Gracious, and Loves her Very, Very Much, My date was Gay!~~~~~I am not implying my date wasn't all the above, but if I were to say, "He just that into you"... sounds kinda  gross when talking about Highschool Proms.

THE PEE PEE TREE!

I've been riding my bike around the LSU lakes for awhile now and I thought to myself, "when is the last time I did sit ups, leg lifts, or used arm weights?.... I would say like 20 years..... I noticed that the LSU lakes, the "beach" area has what I thought was a jungle gym for children.  I did not realize until today, it was a jungle gym for adults. The entire area was under a soft cushion of some sort. It had two planks set at two different angles, I guess for sit ups, pull ups, depending where your head is.  There were two sets of  bars for lifting yourself up, chin ups, hangman whateva it's called, then there were 3 post set at different heights, I guess to make up whateva excersise you desired.  I watched this girl use it to balance herself.  I saw a guy use it to stretch his hamstrings.  I , myself,  incorporated into part of my dance moves.  The spring weather was so nice today I thought I would do my sit ups, leg lifts, & arm weights (that I brought with me from home) in the GRASS under the beautiful OAK tree. The smell of the Fresh Spring Green Grass was so invigorating.   I like doing my own thing, making up rules as I go through life.  I was enjoying my workout under the SHADE of the OAK tree, while watching the adults use the jungle gym in the SUN.  After I completed my routine, I laid on my back, looked up at the clear blue sky and watched a jet in a far distance.  I was thinking, "Wow, This Is The Good Life!!!"....I was getting myself up from the Fresh Spring Green Grass when 2 women with their 2 dogs on leashes went up to MY OAK tree and tied their dogs to it, so they could use the jungle gym for adults in the SUN.  The first thing the dogs did was to Pee under MY OAK Tree. A lightbulb went off in my head, like always in my life..... Way To Late... People bring their dogs to that area......  DUH?, DUH?, DUH?.....Reminds me of a song...."Tie A Yellow Ribbon Around The Old Oak Tree..... Your Spring Green Grass Is Under THE PEE PEE TREE!!!"

Ledbetter at OneTrueMedia.com

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Please Tell Me He's Not The Unibomber!

I am looking at my calendar for this week, it seems it's time for the 4 Month Mental Check-Up.  I hope I haven't blogged this story before, I've looked through my disorganization of papers, it looks like I haven't yet. I must blog about my last Psychiatric visit. I was Chatty Cathy that day. I must have been excited about somethin that lasted probably a day or so which is the norm, then I return to my pissy hating everything and everyone.  I guess tomorrow's visit, we will talk about my little breakdown & the 911 call I had about 6 weeks ago, hoping TMZ doesn't get their hands on it and release it to the public....Ain't that right Harvey?.... Getting back to my last visit, I sat in the lobby of my Psychiatrist's office for 4 HOURS (this is Baton Rouge, Louisiana, you are lucky to SEE a Psychiatrist, And Good Luck finding a Bed at a Psych Hospital when you WIG OUT, there are NONE, so enjoy JAIL or a LONG STAY IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM, ask for Green Jello it helps calm the nerves) plenty of time to make friends with 2 Schizophrenics, one that took his meds, the other did not because his moma told me he though he's meds were poisonous..... "Hmmm figures", I said to myself... A Bi Polar like myself, and the Unibomber.  No, I didn't really talk to the Unibomber, but I kept my eye on him for 4 LONG HOURS.  There were a group of people surrounding the Unibomber.  To me it looked like they were trying a family intervention.  Every 15 minutes, the Unibomber dressed in a hoodie & sunglasses would leave the lobby, go outside, pace and smoke his cigs.  Then he would come back inside mubble a few words to his family, rock back & forth, ooops up again, he would get up, go outside again, pace, smoke his cigs, come back inside, sit down, rock back & forth and mumble with his family, ooops out the door again. This went on the entire time I was in the lobby.  Everytime the Unibomber came back inside my thought would be....."Oh, My, GOD, DOES HE HAVE A BOMB THIS TIME?"... He scared me the most.  The guy with Schizophrenia that didn't take his meds just kept scratching his head like he had lice. The guy with Schizophrenia that took his meds would stand up, go to the Receptionist every 15 minutes and say, "Is it my turn yet?...Is it my turn yet?.....Is it my turn yet?.....Is it my turn yet?....... After 4 hours of waiting it was MY turn to tell the doctor of my Grandiose Delusional Ideas in 15 MINUTES~~~ "Yadda Yadda Yadda Yadda Yadda... So what do you think Doc, Are we increasing Meds this Month?".....As I was leaving the Unibomber was STILL there a rocking and a mumbling... I shouted...."TRY GREEN JELLO, IT CALMS THE NERVES, & DIFFUSES BOMBS!".... Then Ran!

That's A Poor Purple Barney!

I just read a post from a classmate of mind which reminded of Poor Purple Barney.  "I Love You, You Love Me"....is what I heard Over and Over and Over in the 1990's the decade of me raising 4 daughters.  That was also the decade I went ALL  OUT on birthday parties.  This was ALL BEFORE CANCER AND BEFORE like Viola Davis says in the HELP......"The Devil done planted a bitter seed in me"...  My youngest daughter who is now 12 is lucky to get a  gift placed neatly in a Birthday Bag WITH TISSUE..  Nowadays it's mostly a Wal Mart plastic bag maybe with fruit next to the gift.  Getting back to Poor Purple Barney..If you have read my memoir there is a story about the Cinderella cake that I made from looking at a photo in a magazine, before Pinterest.  Let's just say, I put a LIVE goldfish in the middle of the cake which was suppose to be I guess, Cinderella's Looking Glass Pond Whateva.  Total disaster.... The goldfish kept splashing water all over the icing... Sounds delicious right? .....Fastforward 7 years my youngest was turning the precious age of 2.  So Mommy ME wanted this birthday special, this was before I had cancer, had entergy, and felt good ALWAYS (gotta read my memoir)....  First was the outfit.  I hand painted a cute Barney picture on a little white Tshirt dress and made a matching bow.  I then called to see if I could get a "Real" Barney to come to my house.  I looked in the yellow pages an found Spoiled Kids Are Us, sure enough, they had a "Real" Barney. I booked it and was all set for the party three weeks later.  That Friday I  called Spoiled Kids Are Us to verify that Barney was indeed coming to my house the next day because EVERYTHING was about Purple Barney.. I had Purple Balloons, Purple Plates, Purple Cake, Purple Candy, Purple Kool- Aide, I guess you can call it a Purple Paradise for Spoiled Toddlers.  The lady at Spoiled Kids Are Us said she hasn't seen Barney in about 2 weeks, and she had no way of contacting him, all she knew was that he was on probation for something.  My mind went Manic, I, screamed, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE BARNEY IS AT THE MOMENT?, I'M HAVING A BARNEY PARTY TOMORROW, IT'S ALL ABOUT PURPLE BARNEY".  I then thought fast and said, "what can I rent besides a circus?"...   "Well she said", I have an Inflatable Bouncy Thing (with a slide) and I have a Mock Donald Ball Pit."  I screamed, "I'LL TAKE IT, I'LL TAKE IT". Of course my older 3 girls have never let me forget that I never went that far with their Birthday Parties. I now reply, "Well, she's is my favorite, go talk to your therapist about it."  The next day is Purple Party Day, the kids arrived to their Purple Paradise, minus the Purple Barney, and start jumping in the Inflatable Bouncy Thing (with a slide) and play in the Mock Donald Ball Bit.  I am looking from my driveway when I see this jalopy looking car pull up close to my house. Guess who it is?... A drunk man stumbles out of the car and precedes to put on his Worn Down Rugged Thrift Store Used & Abused St Vincent De Paul Costume of Barney, followed by his 8 year old daughter who was the MC for the party.  I screamed..."OH, MY, GOD....BARNEY IS HERE!!!"....The little girl guides her drunk daddy who can't see not because of the beer buzz but because of the Giant Barney Head to the backyard.  She plays the boom box while her daddy has to dance with the rich kids.  My 7 year old looks at Poor Purple Barney and says, "Barney why you got holes everywhere, I see your toesies"... Let me tell you, I never felt so ashamed in my life.  I kept offering the little working girl cake, candy,  ice cream, kool-aide, but she kept shaking her head no, "she was there to work only." I think I called "Cut" after 20 minutes of seeing the dichotomy between the working little girl and the party going girls.  It's been over a decade, I've never planned another Birthday Party again.  The end.