GAG ME WITH YOUR DIRTY WATER!

I just got back from the mall with my youngest teenage daughter.  I told her to meet me at the exit at the front of the mall.  I had time to kill so I went into a Williams-Sonoma store looking for something free to drink.  I've never been in this store because I don't care about cooking or anything else related to it, but I spotted a coffee machine.  I asked the sales clerk if they had samples of coffee to drink and she preceded to tell me all about the New Starbucks Coffee Maker?....Coffee Expresso Maker?.....Whatever it was I didn't care because I don't like Starbucks Coffee, it taste OLD to me.  So the sales clerk is demonstrating how to make my latte'.  When she turned on the spout to clear out the thing a ma gig, I wanted to punk.  It was like looking at dirty water splash into a trough that hadn't been clean in years.   I had a Flashback of when I took my daughters to the Waterpark and I saw a dirty floating band-aid, I left at that point and never went back.  It's like a Vietnam Fash Back, that dirty floating band-aid Haunts Me.  After the sales clerk cleared the spout she puts a small pack of milk in the machine so it would froth?....Is that the right word?....Froth?....After the milk was froth???... She added a small container of coffee.  It was all coming out of the machine that had a dirty trough.  I was beyond grossed out.  She hands me my latte' and shows me wear the Commune Sugar and the Commune Creamer was located.  Again, I was grossed out of the thought of the public all using the Commune Sugar and the Commune Creamer.  They had plastic spoons for the public but the used spoons had to go into the Commune Trash.   Dirty Spoons touching other Dirty Spoons....GROSS GROSS GROSS   Flashback.... I hate Picadilly.   The food taste like melamim trays and the forks, spoons, and knives taste & smell like dirty bleachy water.   If I knew what really goes on in the kitchen of restaurants, I'd probably never eat out again in this lifetime.  One last thing I noticed.....The Mall Massage Chair...... OMG.... GROSS GROSS GROSS....There's something to be said about the smell of a spa, relaxing music and PRIVATE I might add, it all adds up to a Soothing Experience that a Mall Massage Chair CAN'T...  Am I the only person that has these thoughts?  I just read this blog to my family.  I guess I AM the only person that thinks this way.....GAG ME WITH YOUR DIRTY WATER AND KEEP YOUR MALL MASSAGE CHAIR TO YOURSELF!

His Dad Had A Missing Leg!

"I can't date him!!!".... Why you ask?... "Well, his dad had a missing leg."  That's all that I could think about when I was 19 years old.   My dad would say, "Desiree, what's wrong with this boy, Does he have a crooked nose?"   Well dad, I can honestly say I married a boy with a crooked nose 25 years ago and bonus, he was and still is.... POOR.  I don't know what I was thinking when I was 19, only that I couldn't date this boy who's dad had a missing leg.   I just couldn't wrap my pea brain around the fact that his dad had a missing leg.  I would think to myself, "What does his dad do all day???... Does he sit on the porch and watch cars go by?".... "Did I think the dad's missing leg would somehow rub off on me?...Did I think missing leg = poor?"... I was so particular back then.  I remember another boy I dated when I was 17 years old.  We went to the movies then we came back to my house.  I say dated, I shoud say it ended with the first date.   We were in my living room when this boy asked if he could get comfortable and take off his shoes.....TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES????..."This was our first date, you've got to be kidding me"... I thought.....TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES????...   I had spent 2 hours getting a "Farrah Flip" and my date wanted to take off his shoes.  Nope, No Way.... I never saw that boy again.  Let me tell you how much my taste in men have change.  I think Si from the tv show DUCK DYNASTY to be Good Looking.  And 30 years later I can now tell you that money & success turns me off.  If I want to hear a story, I want to hear the story of the beggar off the interstate that holds a sign that says, "Will Work For Food".  I have no desire to hear about your white collar acquistions or your white collar homes or your white collar cars or your white collar vacations.  YOU BORE ME!!!....I wonder what happened to the boy who's dad had the missing leg?"

Jesus Boy!

I had the car radio blarring to my alternative rock music one day when I changed stations for a second and heard "Age Of Seventeen" by Stevie Nicks... Pop.... There go's me into memory lane.  I was about 19 or 20 when I dated Jesus Boy.  I was working as a cashier at a grocery store when I first noticed Jesus Boy.  Jesus Boy came to my lane one Sunday, with a beautiful white smile that I like to call "The Pearly Gates".  He had dark hair with an olive complextion and his voice was kinda of Twangy.   One of my fellow cashiers went to church with Jesus Boy and said, "You know his daddy is the pastor at Assembly Of God, Do you want me to fix you up?"... I thought, "Would You?.... He's So Cute". That was as  far as my mind would go at 19 or 20.... "Is he Cute?".... I don't remember how Jesus Boy and I finally meet.  I think he called me on the house phone, attached to the wall in the kitchen with a long cord. Not much privacy in those days.  Jesus Boy either came to my registar at the grocery store or he just called me and invited me to his church.  Not only was this church his daddys, Jesus Boy was the choir director.  He could sing really well and his Jesus moves were pretty good too.  He was a real good entertainer as I recall.   I would try to imagine him being a rock singer the few times I went to his church.  That's was kept me infatuated.  What I thought was odd was that he was going to Louisiana State University as a theater major.  "Was he planning to leaving the church and do Broadway shows in New York?", I thought to myself.  When we were half ass dating, I only seen him on weekens.  Another thing that impressed me about Jesus Boy was that he was the DJ (Disco Jesus) at a Christian Radion Station.  I remember I was trying to watch Love Boat one Friday night on tv.  Jesus boy had to work at the station and wanted me to listen in.  I really don't like that kind of music so when Love Boat came to a commerical, I would run to the radio that was in another room, listen to him for about a minute until Love Boat came back on air.  We also couldn't be together on Saturday nights because Jesus Boy went to the bars and handed out leaflets damning them all to HELL for listening to rock n' roll. (This must have been a phone relationship too now that I write this). When Sunday rolled around I would go to his church.  I was always the bad catholic, you know, praying in silence, mumbling wrong words to prayers, and kneeling at the wrong times.  At the Assembly Of God Church, it's members would talk in tongues, sway from side to side, and pray out loud.  It made me so uncomfortable that I thought it wouldn't be so bad to be a nun, they are so quiet and stoic (I still like that 30 years later come to think about it).  After church we would go to his house and watch slap stick comedy.  I remember he laugh and laugh at The Three Stogies.  I mean I did too, when I was an infant.   Then it was time to go back to church for the night service.  I don't remember going to his church more than twice, so this relationship must have been a two weeker.  Last story about Jesus Boy.  MTV had just started and I was MEZMORIZED.  I loved watching Music Videos. I had just started college when it came on the scene.  There were days I wanted just to stay in my dorm and watch Music Videos all day. Just like I said before, I saw Jesus Boy just on weekens.  I would leave campus on Friday and drive 25 minutes home, so I would be at my dad & step-mother's house and stay there until Sunday to work my cashiering job.  We were sitting in the living room watching tv when the music video Stand Back by Stevie Nicks came on.  Jesus Boy starting laughing and said, "Oh, My God, She Can't Sing"....I was shy back then and just nodded, but I wanted to throw a Bible at his head to be honest.  I loved Stevie Nicks.  I so loved the way she dressed, the way her clothes moved in the wind, I just loved everything about her.  I coudn't believe Jesus Boy thought she couldn't sing.  As I type this I try to remember how we broke up.  My 2 weeker was coming to an end.   I don't remember if he broke up with me or visa versa.  All I remember is "Just like a white-winged dove sings a song, sounds like she singing ooo, ooo, ooo.....and Just like that I sang.... "goodbye you, goodbye you, goodbye you..."   The end, Amen

Ticketmaster or ACT?

Wow, How did I use to buy concert tickets?... Phone?...Buying concert tickets through Ticketmaster is grueling and makes me so nervous.  Just today, all I wanted was 2 tickets and OMG... What a nighmare.  I didn't realize I had an account with them, so there was no way I could remember my password.  Ready, Set, Go..... Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick....Why do they time the entire process?... I choke under pressure.  First I made sure I had the right Venu and City.  Wait before that I got an email saying I could buy tickets presale.  I thought I was "special" but soon realized it was just another gimmick.  So I had my email account opened, then from there it went to Tickmaster which gave me a "special" password... SHUMCK.... I started and the top, 2 Tickets, Best Seats, Tick
Tick Tick Tick... OMG... I typed in SHUMCK, Got it wrong, OMG, is it shumck?... OMG, What am I doing wrong?... Is it "SHUMCK"...OMG is it 'SHUMCK'?.....OMG... What am I doing wrong?...Tick Tick Tick Tick....Ahhhh Presale, 2 tickets, Best Seats then SHUMCK... Got It!... OMG they have my old Visa Card, that's an old one, Tick Tick Tick Tick, Type Peck Type Peck ... OMG time is running out.....What did I forget?... OMG... 3 Digits behind credit card.... Got It!... OMG type in What Does That Spell?.... Got Damn It!.. I can't make out the smushed up letters... OMG.... Tick Tick Tick Tick... Is that a B or an 8?.... Got Damn It....I'm getting so flustered....What is it?..... Tick Tick Tick Tick.... Let's go with B... Got It!.... "Where are these seats?" I say to myself...Tick Tick Tick Tick....I don't understand where the seats or located, Is it for Disney on Ice?.....NO, NO, NO, It's Shinedown, Three Days Grace, and P.OD....There's no seating chart, I don't see it.... OMG... OMG.... I'll take these, I'll take these.... Tick Tick Tick Tick.... Do I want to Print my tickets?... I don't trust my printer?.... How much to mail them to me, OMG....$29.95!!!!... OMG I'm gunna just print them... OMG Where is the Print Button?....Tick Tick Tick Tick.... OMG that's the receipt, it says, This Is Not Your Tickets, OMG... What do I do?....Wait, there it is.... Print> SHUMCKS TICKETS<...... Ahhhhhh......The printer is printing...ALLELIUH!!!...... I compare this experience to taking the ACT that I took 32 years ago.  The end~

Country Boy Put Pine-Sol On His Wing Wang

I just got out of college and I was sent to Baton Rouge to start as a Manager Trainee for Winn-Dixie.   I started working at Winn-Dixie in highschool and my cashering put me through college.  I decided to stay with Winn-Dixe and enter the fast track of becoming a store manager , district manager and eventually to the main office. (My "Pipe Dreams")  I had to work in all of the departments in order run a store.  Fresh out of college and a new city, DAY 1... the present store manager who wasn't a nice man told me to go unload the milk truck.  It was June, the 80's, BIG HAIR, SHOULDER PADS, and for Desiree COSMOPOLITAN MAKE-UP. The guy from the grocery truck would sling milk grates to me, the milk would splash all over me, sweat would drip from my face, and my 80's BIG HAIR drooped.  I remember it like it was yesterday, but it was 28 years ago.  I called my dad who was a prinicpal of a middle school crying.  I told him Cry Cry,  I was quiting Cry Cry, because my job Cry Cry was gross, I had Cry Cry a college degree Cry Cry, I shouldn't Cry Cry, have to unload Cry Cry, milk trucks.  My dad yells at me saying I make more money than his teachers and his teachers would be happy to unload milk trucks during the summer.  I finally went to the bathroom to clean myself up the best I could, but the milk funk still lingered for another 3 months.  I survived that summer and many more years.  The next department I was assigned was Produce.  All day long young men would tell me dirty jokes and school me on life.  Remind me to tell you about how I almost lost my left finger cutting a watermelon and all the store manager wanted to know was if I was going to ice down and clean up the department before 10:00pm.  Getting back my crude and funny male employees.  As I was washing green beans, Country Boy decided to school me on what goes on living on a farm.  I'm not going to write about the goat, but I will tell you about Pine-Sol.  It seems when Country Boy got a sexually trasmitted disease from the "Sea" he used Pine-Sol to rid them.  All I remember from that conversation was him saying, "It burned like a Motherf@#er!!!"....Now how and I'm suppose to end this blog?.....Do goats say Baaaaaa?.... I guess it depends on the farm.