I Was Walking Like I Had A Wet Virginia Slim Between My Legs, If You Know What I'm Sayin...

So I'm at the beach this week and decided to walk the beach for my usual exercise.  Back home I walk for one hour on a treadmill and then stop, not because I'm tired, but I'm bored out my damn mind.  I can walk for miles on a beach and never get tired or bored.  I love the sound of the ocean, I love to look for sea shells, seagulls, and of course it's always fun to people watch.  The weather was overcast so I decided to wear a flowing maxi dress and start my walk at the edge of the beach.  I started left of my condo and walked for a good hour, trying to decide when to turn back.  I wasn't tired or bored after the hour, but I said to myself, "well one hour walking to a distant condo, then one hour to walk back to my condo was good enough for the day."  As I was turning back I felt my the third degree burns between my thighs.  Let you in on a little fact about myself.  I have huge thunder thighs, bigger than Brittney Spears & Beyonce' ....Okay a lot bigger, but I'm Old.  God blessed me with small ankles and small wrist.  Ray Charles would be puzzled.   Getting back to my third degree burns on my inner thighs.   Okay, Okay, Okay, there were chafed.  OMG the inside of my thighs hurt like a motherf@#ker!   Here I am 3 miles away from my condo with no phone, no nothing.  It's not like I could have called my daughters and say, "Girls come pick up your Moma, I walked 3 miles to the left of our condo, the inside of my thighs are chafed, on fire, and I can't get back to our condo." How am I going to get back?", I said to myself.  I started my walk.  Let's just say I was walking wide.  I would stop every 10 minutes and splash ocean water between my legs.  I bet I looked Real Classy doing that.   I would say I was walking like a duck or a penguin, but I'm pretty sure those animals don't have a wide gait when they walk.  The thing that popped into my head was, "I Was Walking Like I Had A Wet Virginia Slim Between My Legs, If You Know What I'm Sayin..."   Well I made it back to my condo, close to tears, highly embarrassed, and swore to myself that I was going on a diet. Don't worry, 10,000 inner thigh lifts are also on my list too.  From My Beaches (Bitches) To Yours.... The End~

My Crazy Dream Last Night!

I was at band camp deep into the country.  Actually the middle of nowhere.  The  band camp finished  so I decided to walk to the casino for lunch.  The casino was a two story building.  I found the stripper show but I couldn't find the buffet.  Then I looked down the road and noticed that the band camp had left me.  I thought I had plenty of time.  I called home crying to my dad saying I was left behind at band camp.  I called home for my dad.  My daughter said my dad was in a meeting.  I kept crying and crying and then asked one of the strippers to call me a taxi for the one hour ride home.  The taxi driver pulled up in a house van, completely nude.  He was walking with a Jennie Doll.  He then strapped the Jennie Doll in the house van and put on a porno tape.  I asked the stripper will I'll get raped and murdered he said, "No, I will be fine".   Then I look up at the window and there was Danny Bonaduce spitting on it and trying to look into the house van.  Then I woke up.... PS I was watching bits and pieces of the Broadway show Kinky Boots on You Tube that night because the lead singer won a Tony so I was curious.   I guess that's where the strippers come to play into my dream.  The End~